Why I #sahm.

Hey Tierra, What’s up with all the #sahm stuff? Many of you know that I have clinical depression, for those of you who don’t know me personally, Hello, My name is Tierra Healy and I have clinical depression. Every day is a battle. I have been on medication since I was eight years old, when my mother became concerned that I was suicidal. At that time, I didn’t know what suicide was, but I knew that I wanted to die. Now, I take a pill every evening and 90% of the time I’m fine. The other 10% is usually in October.

In addition to clinical depression I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every fall, as the days get shorter, so does my emotional stability. Along with October’s shortening days comes the anniversary of my dad’s death. Over the last 21 years I have learned to recognize triggers and habits that cause my depression to get worse.

Another big trigger for me is vacation or time off. In school, summer led to sleeping too long, not getting dressed or showering for days, and compulsive eating. During 3 day weekends and holiday breaks it doesn’t take long for me to become irritable, or to begin sleeping 12-15 hours a day. That always ends up throwing off my sleep schedule and making the return to school that much harder.

My first stint as a stay at home mom was right after AJ was born. My last day of work was mid-October and I began school that January. As I stayed home with him each summer I began to realize that staying at home was not something I particularly enjoyed. So, after graduation I had planned to keep working, just to pay for his daycare. I would get out of the house, and we would both get some much needed peer interaction. Then the van broke down.

We looked at our finances and decided that there was no way we could pay to fix it without incurring more debt, so I chose to quit my job and stay home with AJ. I cried for days. I knew that being at home would likely cause my depression to get worse and I was terrified that I would be a worse mom because of it.

I posted day one out of excitement, and kept going through the end of the week. I posted the following days, because for whatever reason, it helped.

Posting about my day forced me to look back and find something to talk about or share. It forced me to find something positive or funny in my day, or at the worst, share the sorrow I was experiencing. Most of you probably had no idea about any of this, and that is why I’m sharing. Below is a recap of some of my worst days.

Despite the fact that I got a lot done this day, it was still very emotional and frustrating for me.

Obviously this was a bad day, but I woke up feeling depressed and was sobbing in my room by four pm.

I was so depressed this day that I couldn't even think of anything to post. This was when I realized my photos had become a project/coping mechanism, so I got up, shaved my legs, and posted my pasty white legs for all the interwebs to see! 

Despite being out with my family and hanging with my best friend, I felt lonely and disconnected. I am so grateful for my husband and amazing bestie for being so understanding of my erratic moods and doing their best to help me through the rough times.

I was just sitting at the table feeling okay, when I had a complete breakdown out of nowhere. I ended up calling my husband at work so he could talk me through it. Later, my mom and her husband were willing to let me and AJ tag along on their trip to Cabellas. Most of the time getting out of the house isn't enough to get me out of a funk, but it definitely helps.

So this is a thing now, and its working for me. Maybe I’ll slow down when the summer comes and I'm feeling great. Or my updates might slow to a trickle on day 692—that will be either on or close to AJ’s first day of kindergarten—I might even stop on day 1058, when he starts first grade and I can leave the house every day to focus on novel writing full time. But that’s just speculation. What I know right now is that I am managing my depression the best I can. If you find my updates annoying, you can always unfollow me.

Finally, please do not post suggestions of how to better manage my depression without medication. Yes, I have tried diet and exercise, yes I have tried positive thinking and meditation, yes, I have tried serving my community so I “stop thinking about myself all the time.” It is very frustrating and down-right offensive when people say things like this. If you are thinking or saying these things to your friends or family members you are not helping. It's possible you don't understand. Try asking the person how they are feeling or what they are going through and dealing with. Sometimes talking about it helps, and someone with depression can never have too much support. And please remember, just like the people who have it, everyone's mental health issues are unique.

Not all depression is a chronic, medical issue, but mine is. Know that I am managing my chemical imbalance with far more success and stability than most. Yes, I have depression; I always will. If you think it’s all in my head, you’re sort of right. My depression is not something I can think or will myself out of. It is, however, “all in my head” because that is where my brain is.