The End of my #sahm Journey and Thoughts on Mother's Day

As many of you know I had to quit my job and become a full time stay at home mom when we lost the use of our second vehicle. At first it was great. I got a lot of cleaning done and was able to spend some time with my son, but then the depression set in and I began using my #sahm as a way to deal with the harsh reality of feeling stranded and alone in my own home. I have clinical depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I was anticipating feeling depressed. I could not have imagined the depth of it.

It wasn't long before felt myself slipping into a role that I had previously only reserved for my “Winter Dad.” (Summer Dad is a whole other story!) He was the dad who made sure I was fed, clothed, and cared for, but rarely smiled, or laughed, or spent time with me. He slept or sat in front of the TV for hours, and was either short tempered, or emotionless.

As an adult I was able to understand (logically at least) why he behaved that way, but it was not until this year that I felt it. I too became short tempered with my son, I would spend hours on the computer, scrolling through Facebook, just to escape. I often slept in, leaving my son to entertain himself, and I hated myself for it. It was a cycle that had no escape. This winter I became the same shell of a person that my dad became in winter or when he was out of work.

We have more in common than I ever thought we would.

I have learned a lot about myself this year and it was not a pleasant experience. There was denial, grief, and anger as I learned new shortcomings, as I accepted that another child just wasn’t an option for our family, as I discovered that I am not the woman I dreamed I’d be if I "didn't have to work." I had the chance, the opportunity, the time, but I still could not become something that I am not.

I still hate my limitations, but I have learned to accept them. Depression is not who I am, just as motherhood is not all I have. This year I have learned that for my health and wellness, to best love and care for my family, I simply cannot be a stay at home mom. Ever. 

I am a persnickety little plant so unlike many wonderful, resilient people I know, I cannot bloom wherever or whenever I am planted. I wanted so badly to be a perennial, but I am a winter annual. And that's okay.

Last week I re-enrolled my son in daycare and filled out the paperwork to go back to my part-time job. Not because I need the money, but because I need the release. And I am grateful for the luxury, privilege, and freedom to do so.

I have so much respect for parents who stay at home and love it. I have respect for those who stay home because that is what the family/child/budget requires of them. I respect those who choose to work because they love what they do. And I have respect for those who break their hearts each day they hand their child to someone else and go to work because they have bellies to fill and little fingers to keep warm. It’s never easy, no matter where you are planted, but I hope that if you can’t flourish where you are, you will have the strength and good fortune to find somewhere that you can.

Finally, on the topic of Mother’s Day, I’ll begin by saying I don’t like it. My family doesn’t celebrate it. Being a mother is who I am, whether I like it or not; forever. I don’t need a specific day for my partner to cook, clean, and take care of our son. He does that (at the very least) for three days straight every February when I go to a writing conference. I don’t need a special day to get gifts. If he sees something he knows I want, he just gets it for me, and I do that same for him.

As for my own mother, she deserves far more than a day. She never hesitated to buy me a new pair of sneakers when the old ones were too small or falling apart. Even when they were the fourth pair in a year and we really couldn’t afford it. She put me in dance lessons to let me be the star I always dreamed I’d be, and she dutifully attended and recorded every recital. She paid my way through math lessons so I could gain confidence and learn to believe in myself. She was there when I (barely) graduated High School, her unwavering diligence the only reason for my success. She was always there when I was hurt emotionally or physically, and no matter where she went, I knew I had her love. 

I do not need a calendar to remind me to tell my mother that I love her. I tell her every time I say goodbye, in case it’s the last. I don’t need a special day to buy her gifts. If I see something I know she wants, or likes, or needs, or simply reminds me of her, I get it for her. No matter where she is, she will always have my love, and when she is hurt, emotionally, or physically, I will go to her. I will not hesitate. She never did, and I owe her that much at least.

Why I #sahm.

Hey Tierra, What’s up with all the #sahm stuff? Many of you know that I have clinical depression, for those of you who don’t know me personally, Hello, My name is Tierra Healy and I have clinical depression. Every day is a battle. I have been on medication since I was eight years old, when my mother became concerned that I was suicidal. At that time, I didn’t know what suicide was, but I knew that I wanted to die. Now, I take a pill every evening and 90% of the time I’m fine. The other 10% is usually in October.

In addition to clinical depression I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every fall, as the days get shorter, so does my emotional stability. Along with October’s shortening days comes the anniversary of my dad’s death. Over the last 21 years I have learned to recognize triggers and habits that cause my depression to get worse.

Another big trigger for me is vacation or time off. In school, summer led to sleeping too long, not getting dressed or showering for days, and compulsive eating. During 3 day weekends and holiday breaks it doesn’t take long for me to become irritable, or to begin sleeping 12-15 hours a day. That always ends up throwing off my sleep schedule and making the return to school that much harder.

My first stint as a stay at home mom was right after AJ was born. My last day of work was mid-October and I began school that January. As I stayed home with him each summer I began to realize that staying at home was not something I particularly enjoyed. So, after graduation I had planned to keep working, just to pay for his daycare. I would get out of the house, and we would both get some much needed peer interaction. Then the van broke down.

We looked at our finances and decided that there was no way we could pay to fix it without incurring more debt, so I chose to quit my job and stay home with AJ. I cried for days. I knew that being at home would likely cause my depression to get worse and I was terrified that I would be a worse mom because of it.

I posted day one out of excitement, and kept going through the end of the week. I posted the following days, because for whatever reason, it helped.

Posting about my day forced me to look back and find something to talk about or share. It forced me to find something positive or funny in my day, or at the worst, share the sorrow I was experiencing. Most of you probably had no idea about any of this, and that is why I’m sharing. Below is a recap of some of my worst days.

Despite the fact that I got a lot done this day, it was still very emotional and frustrating for me.

Obviously this was a bad day, but I woke up feeling depressed and was sobbing in my room by four pm.

I was so depressed this day that I couldn't even think of anything to post. This was when I realized my photos had become a project/coping mechanism, so I got up, shaved my legs, and posted my pasty white legs for all the interwebs to see! 

Despite being out with my family and hanging with my best friend, I felt lonely and disconnected. I am so grateful for my husband and amazing bestie for being so understanding of my erratic moods and doing their best to help me through the rough times.

I was just sitting at the table feeling okay, when I had a complete breakdown out of nowhere. I ended up calling my husband at work so he could talk me through it. Later, my mom and her husband were willing to let me and AJ tag along on their trip to Cabellas. Most of the time getting out of the house isn't enough to get me out of a funk, but it definitely helps.

So this is a thing now, and its working for me. Maybe I’ll slow down when the summer comes and I'm feeling great. Or my updates might slow to a trickle on day 692—that will be either on or close to AJ’s first day of kindergarten—I might even stop on day 1058, when he starts first grade and I can leave the house every day to focus on novel writing full time. But that’s just speculation. What I know right now is that I am managing my depression the best I can. If you find my updates annoying, you can always unfollow me.

Finally, please do not post suggestions of how to better manage my depression without medication. Yes, I have tried diet and exercise, yes I have tried positive thinking and meditation, yes, I have tried serving my community so I “stop thinking about myself all the time.” It is very frustrating and down-right offensive when people say things like this. If you are thinking or saying these things to your friends or family members you are not helping. It's possible you don't understand. Try asking the person how they are feeling or what they are going through and dealing with. Sometimes talking about it helps, and someone with depression can never have too much support. And please remember, just like the people who have it, everyone's mental health issues are unique.

Not all depression is a chronic, medical issue, but mine is. Know that I am managing my chemical imbalance with far more success and stability than most. Yes, I have depression; I always will. If you think it’s all in my head, you’re sort of right. My depression is not something I can think or will myself out of. It is, however, “all in my head” because that is where my brain is.

Going, going, gone.

Our family is actively heeding the recent words of Dallin H. Oaks.  In the most recent session of LDS General Conference he recently proclaimed: “A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will laugh or disapprove.”  

Tierra -- I am sure many of you disapprove of my decision to leave the Mormon Church, however after the events of this past conference I can no longer allow my name to be associated with the LDS Church.

I refuse to be a part of an organization that turns away faithful members from joining in worship service solely because of their gender.  I simply cannot condone this behavior any longer.

I know that an all knowing, all powerful, all loving God, a Father would never turn his daughters away at the door from where His word was being spoken and only allow them to stand outside in the cold and listen.  There were rows of empty seats in the tabernacle where hundreds of women were refused entry to the Priesthood session of General Conference.  Once the meeting began a garbage truck was parked in front of the door to physically prevent entry.  My Father would never allows his sons to treat his daughters so shamefully.  Would yours?

As a country we learned the lesson that separate is not equal.  Many faithful women are saying that they feel equal, but as this article puts it: “Equality is not a feeling.” – Joanna Brooks, but until the LDS church learns this lesson as well I can no longer be a part of it.

I know that this will invoke sadness within many of you, but I do not want that sadness to be directed toward me for doing what I know is right, but instead at a religion that is no longer following its own teachings.

 Said by Bishop Gérald Caussé during the October 2013 Priesthood session of General Conference

Jason - My disaffection with the LDS Church is no secret. Anyone who has been around me for more than five minutes in the last year and a half knows that. I have many reasons for withdrawing from the Church, which I won’t go into here. If you want to know, you can ask me. However, up until now I didn’t really see a reason to remove my name from the Church’s records. That changed this last weekend, with some of the things said at General Conference.

I want to make it clear up front that my original reasons for leaving the Church have nothing to do with me being offended. Likewise, my reasons for officially resigning my membership now have nothing to do with being offended.

I’m disgusted.

This isn’t a new thing. The rumblings started in 2008, with the Proposition 8 campaign in California. I saw the resources and efforts the Church was pouring into denying homosexual couples the same benefits that heterosexuals receive, and even though I was a believing member at the time I knew it was wrong. But for the most part, I moved past it. It wasn’t even a major reason that I left the Church, but it was a reason. 

This last weekend, however, Church leadership doubled down on their opposition to equal rights. Speaking about laws legalizing homosexual marriage, Dallin Oaks said “Our understanding of God’s plan and His doctrine gives us an eternal perspective that does not allow us to condone such behaviors or to find justification in the laws that permit them.” Reading between the lines, it’s easy to see what Oaks left unsaid - according to him, members of the church can’t support equal marriage rights. I refuse to have my name associated with an organization that seems bound and determined to oppose laws that would have all people treated equally. I refuse to have my name associated with a religious organization that seeks to impose its own morality on people who would otherwise have nothing to do with it - and this applies to more than just marriage equality. 

I do want to make it clear, though, that I have no problem with the Church telling its own membership what to do and what not to do. But I do feel it is immoral to force those beliefs on outsiders. And finally, I refuse to have my name associated with an organization whose leadership engages in systematic and blatant falsehoods, such as what Oaks said immediately after the quote above. “And, unlike other organizations that can change their policies and even their doctrines, our policies are determined by the truths God has identified as unchangeable.” Anyone who is familiar with why the year 1978 is landmark in the history of the LDS church knows why that statement is an obvious lie.

So I’m resigning my membership from the Church. I was already no longer a part of it, but the last weekend crystallized my resolve to make it official. And given the timing, I’m sure the Church’s people gathering metrics and running numbers in Salt Lake City won’t have a hard time figuring out why.

Silly AJ 2.0

More Aj being his silly self.

Feeding himself Jello . . .

and making new friends in the process!

Photos taken for a school project

AJ crawling around UVU (mostly) naked!

I walked back into the living room to see that AJ had found a box of tissues.

AJ with Dixie, AKA the living vacuum cleaner.

And finally the newest AJ video!

Our Silly Baby

I never get to post these photos because they are completely out of context, but I think I have enough of them to make whole post about my silly kid now! 

All bundled up

 Sitting on Mommy's shoulders attempting to distract her from her math homework

 Just taking a quick nap

 Hanging out in the laundry basket

First time in the jumper.  It took him a while to figure it out

Trying to get a good photo . . . 

Watching some TV 

 Exploring the house

Playing with his paper bag 

Tangled up in Daddy's shirt. 

And finally . . . AJ eating the Constitution of the United States. 

4th of July

We spent the afternoon swimming in MawMaw and PawPaw's pool

In fact he had so much fun he felt the need to climb face first into the tub with his swimming suit still on!  He was quite pleased with himself.

We finished up the night by watching Captain America, because nothing says Independence Day like punching Nazis.

Happy Independence Day!

It's Official: He's up!

He's up and into EVERYTHING!

He loves chasing after spots of light.

Climbing on the swing.

He's so proud of himself! 

 Fortunately we invested in some heave duty baby gates to keep him out of the kitchen and dining room, that's something at least!